this mourning 7-11-15

I miss things I never had, and never could have. Unattainable thoughts and feelings, for unattainable people. Sometimes when things first end you aren’t really sad because you’re distracted by anger; and it’s only after you calm down and forgive this person/ people that you realize how sad you truly are. Forgiveness is a type of ending that, for me, doesn’t always bring closure. Maybe because it can be one sided, especially since I am no longer in contact with the person I forgave. I want to see him, not because I want to fix things or because I want answers, but because I really care about him and still want to have him in my life somehow. I think the thing that makes me the saddest is that he hasn’t reached out to me, it makes me wonder if he didn’t care about me, or maybe he’s still pushing me away because he does. Neither scenario makes the swirling feeling in my stomach subside.

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