I don’t know why he loves you, you’re no good for him. You take and take and take. His money, his friends, and his years. It’s becoming hard for me to work. I’m tired and worn. He gave me up for you, you! I have done everything for him; given him everything he has. But no, He wants you instead. Someday he may ask to have me back but it’s already too late. Ever sense he met you, I’ve never been the same. So I hope you two are happy together. I know it wont last very long.
Sometimes I feel irrelevant. For example there is a boy that is one year older than me on my bus. I have spoken to him almost every day for the past 5 years. About 2 months ago he asked me how to spell my name. I replied ‘E.M.M.A’ as this is in fact the only way to spell Emma. He then said ‘oh right I thought it was one M’. ‘No you didn’t’ I interjected ‘oh my- you don’t know my name’. He said that I was right and he was sorry.
Then this Friday on our usual bus ride home he said to me ‘Hey, Emit’. I look at him confused.. Come on Emit, was he even trying? ‘Oh my gosh he said, I’m the worst’. ‘Uh yeah, I’m a girl. And it’s Emma’.
I am tired. Tired of school, of people, of teachers (no teachers do not count as people, or school), and of trying. Why do I have to wake up everyday and plan a cute outfit. Then put on make-up and do my hair. Why?! Why not sleep till seven, crawl out of bed, eat a bagel, and walk out to the bus stop. I could sleep for an extra half hour, and be comfy ALL day! Some of you may be witnessing my social experiment this monday.
I think I’m going to be more of a college person; rather than high school I mean. I don’t feel especially passionate about any of my classes, other than english. I don’t want to be a historian, or chemist, I want to be a dancer (or a dancer teacher). I leave school every day and go to a place I’m passionate about, the studio.
I just feel like college will be better for me. I will be dancing every day and be around people that love it as much as I do. I will be in control of myself, which I think would be beneficial to me. Also I wont have to deal with high schoolers. the overly dramatic fights that could be resolved in a matter of minutes but go on for MONTHS! Or the guys that treat girls like shit so their friends think they’re manly and cool. I’m ready to be around mature people with ambition and goals.
I am afraid of a lot of things. Afrid that I love dance so much; that I’ll never be good enough and hate myself. I’m afraid I’ll never be good enough for anyone else. I’m afraid that I’ll make decisions that I’ll regret for the rest of my life. I’m afraid of my future.
Then there are moments, when I fear nothing. When I am free, and life is simple. When I am living in the present. When I can breathe, and I can run from it all.
When you’re feeling bad about yourself so you dance it out; and then fall over. Thanks to my 12 years of training .
Every moment is a new moment. Nothing else matters. Even something that happened one minute ago.